


Yes, Tom - Chapter 18

by riddlemetitillatedhiddles (ninecats)



Series: Yes, Tom [19]
Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF
Genre: Dom/sub, F/M, Rough Sex, Sex, Spanking, Subspace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 16:12:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/599682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninecats/pseuds/riddlemetitillatedhiddles





	Yes, Tom - Chapter 18

 

I just stood there, paralyzed with guilt, overwhelmed with fear. Tom turned off the bedside light and got under the covers, turning onto his side, facing away from me.

" _Please_ tell me what to do. Please. I don't know what to do." He didn't answer. He just lay there motionless. "Tom, please. I can't… I'm so sorry…"

"Oh my god, are you going to do this all night?"

My stomach dropped. He sounded so… _disgusted_. I was panicking. Lost. Softening my voice I tried to persuade him. "Please… Tom… please just talk to me."

"This is fucking absurd!" He threw the blankets off and turned on the light. Then he pulled on his pants and grabbed his shirt.

"You can't… leave…"  By this point I was loud, my voice whiny. I walked to the door, standing in front of it. "Please, please don't do this…"

" _Move_." The look… I could barely take it. I avoided his eyes, his gaze so painful, that look of total disappointment, anger, revulsion. I glanced back up just in time to see him notice the padlock around my neck, and I knew immediately. I just knew.

"No, not that… " He reached up, hooking his fingers around the necklace, pulling, as I wrapped my hands around his, trying to stop him. "No, Tom, don't, please don't…please not that!" I thought for sure it would break, but it didn't. All it did was hurt me. But I guess that was something. 

"I don't want you to have it anymore! I don't want my initials…" I cringed, physically I felt like I'd been punched. I wished he would. Wished he would just do something. He finally let go. "I want that off of your neck." His finger pointing at me, accusing me. "One way or another, it's coming off."

"No!" I clutched it in my fist, refusing to let go. I knew there was something so final about him taking it off, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't. "No. Tom just stop. Please just talk to me."

"I'm done talking!" He screamed at me, his face so close to mine. 

"I am so sorry. I can prove it, though, I swear… just _call_ him… he can tell you I just said I loved you. _I just said I loved you_." Emotion, misery, just poured out of me. Anything for him. Anything.

"Fuck!!" He pounded the door to the side of my head. I didn't even flinch. I didn't care. "Don't you get it? I know you didn't fuck him. That's not even the point. The point is how am I supposed to trust you if you lied to me? And not only that, but you sat there and fucking begged me every bloody day to trust you. ' _You can trust me._ ' How many bloody times did you say that? How many, Elizabeth? _And I did_ …"

"Tell me what to do. Please _tell_ me. _Punish me_. Anything. Please." I pounded my fists against his chest, begging him to hurt me. 

Suddenly his face just dropped, and he started shaking his head. "You don't understand. You don't." His voice so quiet now, I could barely hear him. His eyes met mine and I started to cry. "You don't understand. How badly I want to hold you. How badly I want you to make me feel better. But I'm so fucking angry. _You fucking betrayed me._ "

"I know…" Every word was like a knife driven through my heart. It was just unbearable. "I don't know what to do…" I was crying so much I kept hiccuping because I couldn't get enough oxygen. "I… please just…"

"Elizabeth, oh god. You _don't_ get it. How could you lie to me? _How?_ Why did you do this to me? I feel like my whole world just collapsed… I don't know what to do." His voice breaking, tears starting to fall. I only wanted to make him feel better. Tom kept shaking his head over and over, as if he could will everything back together. Running his fingers through his hair, he exhaled slowly, then went and sat on the edge of the bed. I dropped to my knees in front of him, my trembling hands on his calves. When he let me touch him, I felt so… relieved. It wasn't much, but it was something. 

"I'm so sorry, Tom. I'm so sorry… I can't even put into words. I just… I did a really stupid thing and it was just because… everything was going so well and you were going to meet my family and when he texted me, I just… wanted it to go away. Him to go away. Not have to deal with it. I couldn't imagine that he could infringe upon our life. I just… I'm so happy…" Realizing what I had said, I lowered my voice, the words sticking painfully in my throat. Squeezing my eyes shut, I forced them out, barely above audible. "I _was_ so happy."

"Stop, okay," he implored softly, not demanding or angry. Defeated. It was almost worse. When his eyes met mine it was the worst pain I'd ever felt. "I don't know what to do. I love you so much… "

"I love you, too. I'm so sorry I lied to you. I never lied about… I told you the truth, Tom. You are my everything. You have made my life complete in a way that I never thought possible. There were things… missing in me. In my heart, my soul. You fill those spaces; you make me whole. I feel strong and capable now. When I relinquish control to you, I feel like I find my self-worth. And I trust you, implicitly, when I give you complete authority over me. Do you understand? I give you control and trust that you will respect my limits and do what is best for us both. Despite the fact that our relationship is not perfect… and that you've…"

He knew. Sighing deeply, his shoulders slumped, he rested his head in his hands as I hesitantly moved up and touched his forearms. When he didn't move, I kissed the top of his head, my tears falling onto his hair. He kept his head down, and I almost couldn't hear a word he said. "I know I lied to you, I do know that, but it's so different. You have to know that it's very different."

"I know it is. I just… please remember that I love you. I would do literally anything you asked me to do, simply because I trust you completely. I am so sorry I made such a horrible mistake and the thought that I hurt you is…" My stomach was clenched, and my eyes were sore and swollen from crying. But it was nothing compared to how I felt inside. "I love you, and I've never lied about that. Please, just give me a chance to prove it to you…"

"Again…"

The comment. Meant to hurt me. Make me remember what he felt like. And it worked. "Yes. _Again_. I understand what I did. I want to prove to you…"

"Again…" This time, more to himself than me. Like he was trying to… convince himself? Reassure himself? I couldn't tell. When he looked up, he touched my padlock again, but this time, he traced it with his fingertip, then turned it over, looking at his initials. His face so sad, staring at it wistfully. 

"You have to know I'm yours. _I'm completely yours_. I'll do anything, I just want to be yours. I just want you to love me again. To understand that I love you and you can trust me." I knelt back on my heels. As his eyes rose to meet mine, I braced myself, refusing to look away. I needed to take it. I needed to feel like this. I needed to be penitent. My lids were slightly lowered, though, as he stared at me. Respectfully. He needed to know that I was eager to do whatever he saw fit. "Whatever you decide, I will accept willingly. No matter what, I am yours."

"Darling, to be honest, I'm not sure…" I closed my eyes, waiting for the other shoe to drop. He didn't finish though, not at first. Then he finally said, "I'm not sure I know what to do. You must know I don't want to give up. I've never been as happy as I…" He paused, thinking for a moment. "I've never been as happy as I am with you."

At first, I thought I misheard him say 'am'. However, when I looked up into his lucid aquamarine eyes, I could tell they had softened and I thought that we were at least fixable. He peered into my eyes like he wanted to read my mind. I would have let him. I would have, at this point, given him anything and everything. Terrified to speak for fear of ruining the progress we had made, I just waited. Still crying, my bottom lip trembling, I just waited as he searched my eyes, searched my soul. After what seemed like an eternity, he took my face in his hands and kissed me chastely, but on the lips. 

"I'm so angry with you sweetheart. I love you so much, though. I know you probably did not understand…" I hung my head, shame overcoming me. Tilting my chin up with his finger, he looked straight at me. "I forgive you. Darling, I don't care about the rules, not when it comes to my love for you. But I have enough trouble trusting… and…"

"I'm so sorry… "

"It's okay, I know you are. I know." I was sobbing again, but it was complete and total relief. "Come here, darling, it's okay." He opened his arms and gestured for me to sit on his lap.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Tom, I'm so sorry I lied to you. Please, just please punish me, something. I can't take it. It hurts."

"Elizabeth, I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't. Can you understand why?" I nodded, resigned. It wasn't supposed to be for stuff like this. I knew it. He knew it. But it just was so hard...

"Can you at least punish me for texting him without permission?" 

"Maybe tomorrow, okay? We'll see. Go get ready for bed, okay?"

I dropped my head and scooted off his lap, whispering "Yes, sir." While I was so grateful for this at least partial reconciliation, I ached. My heart was heavy, and I still hadn't stopped crying. This punishment was so much worse: _no punishment._ Emotional punishment. Having to feel the guilt and not being allowed to let it go. Not receiving absolution. He knew. Punishment and reconciliation was such a crutch for me at this point. I relied on it. I had trouble functioning without it. But this was separate from our dynamic. This was… well, like he said. This was me breaking his heart. 

**** 

He didn't hold me, but he kissed me goodnight, and said 'I love you' before we went to sleep. The sleep was fitful, for us both.Tossing and turning. I dreamt horrible dreams. Most were that he left me, went back to England and refused to speak to me ever again. The other one that I remembered was that we lived our lives together, but he ignored me. We never broke up, he never punished me, and we never had sex again. He just ignored me as we ate dinner, slept in the same bed, went to family gatherings. It was… eerie. I wasn't sure what to think of it. All I knew was that every time I opened my eyes my stomach was in knots. At close to 4, Tom woke up and turned on the light.

"Get up." His voice was deep and dark, that familiar vocal cue. I could hardly contain myself, but I didn't want to ruin it by being too happy.

"Is everything okay?"

He exhaled deliberately, then announced, "I'm going to punish you now." I didn't say anything at first. "For showing disrespect by lying to me, and for breaking the rules."

I tried to control my emotions as I laid one hand on his forearm. "Are you sure?"

He turned and I knew. "Get up. _Now_. And strip."

"Yes, sir." Sliding across the bed, I got up and took off my shirt and panties, then stood in front of him, my hands behind my back.

"This is what you want? Really?" 

"Yes, sir, please!"

"Elizabeth I'm so fucking angry with you still. I love you but… Promise you'll stop me if… Just promise."

"I will, I promise." Despite my anxiety, despite the fear that that statement evoked in me, I didn't care. I wanted to get past this and I knew we both had a way to precipitate a reconciliation and this was it. I didn't care how bad it was going to hurt. This was my salvation. And I was ready.

Snaking his hand around the nape of my neck, he pushed my face to the floor. Quickly prostrating myself, I turned so my cheek was on the floor, giving me a view of what Tom was doing. It was at that point I kind of wished I hadn't. He grabbed a wire hanger from the hotel closet. Holding it up in one hand, he repeated, "You want this?" 

Stilling my fears, and the dread concerning his instrument of choice, I answered in a clear, even voice. " _Yes._ Please, sir." 

"Arch your back a little more, knees farther apart. Perfect." Leaning over, he fisted my hair. "I'm not going to restrain you. I'm not going to gag you. I want you to show me how sorry you truly are. You're going to be quiet, and you're going to stay still. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir." He knew no noise was impossible. Testing my limits, though, would show how penitent I was. 

"I'm going to count to 50. Promise you'll…"

_50\. Dear god._ "I will sir. I will." 

He raised the hanger above his head and I tried to exhale, expecting the worst. "One." And it was. The blow was severe, and the sensation was unlike any I'd experienced. Covering my face, I slowed my breathing as much as I could. It was beyond any pain I had ever felt. 

Luckily, I had, at Tom's request, been studying pain-management techniques for play. Acceptance of pain is the goal, but management helps get to that point. Other than breathing, I also had been practicing with visualizing the pain as light to help dissipate the pain until I could let go and accept it.

"Two." The hanger hit my ass with an intensely sharp stinging sensation, then radiated out from the outlines of the wire. "Three. Four. Five." The faster he did it, the worse it was. I tried to imagine the pain as a bright white light, filtering out across my body from the point of impact. _Breathe._ "Ten. Eleven. Twelve." I was struggling to keep my breathing under control, but I made only the slightest whimpers. So proud of myself, I tried to use that too. _It's just a light._ _Endorphins and light._ "Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty-one."

His pace increased, and as I tried so hard to focus, his voice started to sound like it was echoing. "Twenty-nine. Thirty. Thirty-one. Thirty-two." I started to cry, a slight, soft whine. Tom didn't say anything, he knew. I was giving everything. I couldn't fight it anymore. I couldn't process it, I had to accept it. "Forty. Forty-one." So I just… opened up, letting it wash over me like a wave. And it did. I stopped fighting. Unfurled like a flower.

I didn't hear if Tom finished counting. The rest of the blows, if there were any, became fuzzy in my mind. Kneeling down next to me, he tenderly brushed the hairs from my face as he checked on me. 'I love you Elizabeth. You're such a good girl." He then got behind me and entered me gently but completely, not stopping until he was buried deep inside. It only took a couple thrusts and he came, panting in my ear. 

The entire event took maybe ten minutes. It was so fast, like a blur. "Sweetheart, come, let me help you back into bed. Do you need to go to the bathroom?" I shook my head no, so he picked me up and laid me gingerly onto the bed. He turned on the television, knowing it soothed me, and curled up next to me. I wasn't really processing everything, but I remember the words he spoke before I fell asleep. "I'm sorry I got so upset at you. You're my everything. My perfect girl."


End file.
